Oh my aching...

"What would you like to work on today? Any body parts or poses that you are really dying to practice?"

Some yoga teachers ask this at the beginning of class.  It sounds all welcoming, but it's a trap. One of the skills of a great vinyasa yoga teacher is sequencing.  There are some styles of yoga where the poses are always the same and in the same order.  In some of those styles, how you get into a posture has no bearing on the posture itself.  Vinyasa yoga is different.

Vinyasa means to place in a specific order.  In vinyasa, the order in which the teacher places the poses is called sequencing.  The transitions between the poses matter just as much as the poses themselves. Planning a vinyasa yoga class requires skill and care.   For an experienced teacher, this may not be an incredibly long process, but it happens nonetheless.  So, when a teacher asks those fateful questions,  "What would you like to work on today? Any body parts or poses that you are really dying to practice?", we know that they are open to getting a little creative and maybe a little daring.  My muscles start to ache just thinking about what might come next.

In a recent class, the results were hips, core and inversions.   Those three parts actually go together quite nicely and the teacher was somewhat of an inversions expert, so it turned out great.  Then the next night at yoga teacher training, we spent three hours working on teaching poses that work the hips and core in preparation for inversions. It was awesome, but man, it made my everything ache!

ABC's and so on and so forth

First attempt at writing the "alphabet" in Devanagari!

This is the equivalent of writing your ABC's.  It's the beautiful written script of Sansrkit, which I have butchered enough for one evening.  So fun!

Grounding Muladhara

 Chakra. Cha-kra. The first sound  is like the ch in cheese.  As my sister noted, "I always thought it was shakra."  Me too, sister.

As part of teacher training, I am reading Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith, PhD. It's a thick volume in which Judith takes us on a journey through the swirling energetic centers of the body. She starts with some of the basic theories about what chakras are, how they function and where anatomical features overlap with the chakra system.

This book has been the first that has really made me wonder if I want to drink the Kool-aid, or rather challenged my own belief system. I am skeptical about anything that implies that there is a spinning ball of energy controlling different aspects of my life.  That sounds like a nice little pile of happy horseshit. But, I can't help noticing the places in the book where I go, "Woah that's creepily familiar!"

One of the places that this books really resonates is the discussion of the root chakra, called muladhara. This is the chakra that is closest to the earth, located at the base of your sacrum. This is said to be the energy center for all things grounding and safety related. 

Judith talks about your right to be and your right to have.  This is such a common issue for so many of us.  Although we may have the self-awareness to know that we are struggling with taking up our own space and feeling that we have a right to have certain things, it's an intangible quality to work on. Working with the chakra system, there are tangible access points to work on these qualities.

Even through my Western lens,  I can see the benefits of exploring this system.  At best, the chakra system is, as described.  At worst,  I've found a new way to interact with my body and spend some time consciously aware of grounding and feelings of safety.  Either way, there is something to be gained from studying the chakra system.

Unexpected Gift

Major gift  alert!! By a stroke of luck mixed with careful planning, I get to sleep in until 6:30 am tomorrow.  6:30 AM!!!  My goodness that sounds delightful.  Seriously, I'm so excited that I could burst!

One thing I didn't expect when embarking on Teacher Training is how flipping exhausting it would be. These days, I feel like all I do is practice yoga, talk about yoga, read about yoga or write about yoga. Oh, and I work a full time job. Like so many things, it looked way easier on paper.

I thought I had it figured out before hand.  As it turns out, I had merely a rough draft. In the final version, I sleep way less than I thought I would.  But not tomorrow. Tomorrow, I sleep..until 6:30 AM.  Wahoo!!!

Raindrops.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.  That's what we're supposed to do, right?

How many of us are big fat liars?  I am.  I do it all the time.

 "Would you like something to drink?"
 - "No, no.  I'm fine."

"Are you hungry?"
 - "No, I had a granola bar a few hours ago..."

In my estimation, we lie because we love.  We don't want anyone to go out of their way for our sake.
The problem is, it gets us into all kinds of trouble. Ignoring karma for a moment, it gets us into practical trouble sometimes.

Here's a recent example:

One day this week, I went to a yoga class that ended at 7:30 PM.  My husband was scheduled to pick up his mother from a train station across town at 7:00 PM. We discussed our options and decided that I would take the subway to a bus and walk home. Mom would probably be pretty tired from her trip and neither of us wanted to delay her further.

Husband: "Are you sure you don't mind taking the subway?"

 - Of course not! Don't be silly!

Liar liar pants on fire.

The truth is that I was pretty sure he would come get me anyway. He likes to surprise me, especially when it's raining. He and mom would probably just pop over to get me on the way home. 

This time, he really did surprise me. When I walked out of class, he wasn't there.  Instead, I found a text message. "Got mom!  Heading home.  See you soon. XOXOXO"

I spent the first few minutes of my walk to the subway furious.  How dare he listen to me and believe me and trust me?!  It's raining! 

As I walked, I got wetter and eventually calmer. Then I listened to myself and really heard what I was saying. By the time I got to the subway, I was laughing out loud and really enjoying my walk in the rain.

When I got home, I was soaked, but totally content.  My husband opened the door and was shocked to see how wet I was.  "Honey, why didn't you call me?! I would've picked you up!"  "It's ok. I forgot how much I like to walk in the rain."  This time I meant it. 

Teacher Training: Weekend 1

Rainy weekend mornings are my favorite time to lay in bed.  This weekend was exceptional.  I was giddy to be up at 6 to prepare for long days of yoga teacher training.  

 The day did not disappoint.  We started with a gentle pranayama practice, which  consists of well patterned breath exercises.  As I understand it now, it was more a series of kriyas, cleansing techniques.

The rest of the day involved long stretches of reading, listening, asking questions and dissecting yoga poses in minute detail. We also observed each other and practiced teaching each other. Mostly, we began to establish routines and learn how to learn this type of material.

The most impactful takeaway came when we first learned how to observe a student.  Before we began our first observation, our teacher asked the class, "What is the first thing you agould notice when you observe a student?" The room went silent as we looked to each other for the answer.  This was definitely not in the homework.  Her answer was so simple,"Their divinity."

If I learned nothing else this weekend, I know that the most important thing to do as a teacher is see my students.  To see them for the whole and amazing people that they are.  To recognize and appreciate the light of the divine in each of them.  And, to remember that it is that light the warms my heart.

School bells

As adults, we experience so many things differently than we did as children.  When we look back at those early experiences now, we can't help but see them through adult eyes.  That beloved Saturday morning tv show seems suddenly creepy.  The landmark we once visited as kids is somehow smaller than we remembered. The holidays are a little less magical when you know what the inside of a half frozen turkey really feels like at 6 am. 

I assumed that this same principle works in reverse, too.  If delightful situations are dulled because you know better, perhaps scary situations are less so as a grown-up. I have recently come to understand that this is NOT necessarily true.  

Today was my first day of school. Yoga teacher training school.  Not first grade, but I certainly felt those first day jitters. There were some subtle differences. Rather than new shoes and a haircut, i made sure to have my toes painted and remembered to wear earrings.

Beforegad, I only knew one person that would be in the class.  This brought out the old "what if I don't make friends?" There was a scheduling conflict for the first day, so I was sure that everyone already had a friend to sit with.  

Clutching my bag, I walked into the studio where I have been hundreds of times. But this time, it felt different. Like I was walking into someplace unfamiliar and scary. There were teachers siting at the front desk when I walked in. The teacher whose class I have taken several times, started to sign me in. "Oh, umm... No, I ...I think we're upstairs?"  He dropped the pen and half smiled, "I see how it is."  

To get upstairs, you have to walk through two classrooms of people setting up for practice.  I've been watching others tiptoe through this path for years. They quietly scamper through and into themysterious magical  world of teacher training. This is surreal!

Once I get upstairs, there are smiling faces on mats and milling about. We chat. We introduce. We fuss a little. And only when we find ourselves in a comfortable crossed legged seat and we exhale the sacred sound of OM, does the anxiety dissipate.  I am not a scared little girl.  I am a 35 year old woman and I am exactly where I should be.

A deep breath and rest

My friends, I have been less actively writing this month.  It is an intentional period of rest before a very big shift in my life. Next week, yoga teacher training begins.

I am thrilled and anxious, at times bordering on terrified.  The best part is that I have only a limited understanding of why I feel this way.  But, I know that this is the feeling that precedes transformation.

Right now, I am focused on all of the practical obstacles.  (How will I get there on time? How will I fit in all of the practice? When will I see my husband? How will I manage to meet all of the obligations of life during this time?) I take comfort knowing that it will all work out because it always does. I have already had the preparatory conversation with everyone directly affected.  Now, it's time to let go and trust that all will be well.

To kick off this time of study and commitment, I will be travelling to Utah to engage in a yoga/hiking retreat with an old friend. Beautiful landscapes, a more beautiful friend and time to sweat it out. I am very much looking forward to this time devoted to resetting the physical and spiritual systems. This is also an opportunity to reset another set of systems.

During this trip, I am going to engage in a digital detox. Vowing to use my phone as a phone, rather than a portable computer.  No social media.  No internet browsing. Absolutely no videos of other people doing things.  This is a time of experience, not spectatorship.

I may write while I'm gone, but on paper with a pen.

See you sometime in October!

But, it's not supposed to rain

In preparation for upcoming training,  I'm reading a book called The Path of Yoga by Georg Feurstein.  I recently read a passage about book learning and experience.  In yoga, a scholar can study and study, but can only ever fullly learn by experiencing yoga. 

Today, at the doctor's office, I met my new primary care physician. He's a resident.  I love working with students.  They are so engaged and enthusiastic.  It's the beginning of the semester and he is in his first of 3 years at the practice. 

He comes into the exam room, brand new lanyard bearing the mascot of the Washington Huskies.  He's smiling a little too big. He vigorously shakes my hand as he says, "I'm Vic."  Next he takes a seat at the computer to login.  Once the computer opens and his hands are poised over the keys, he glues his eyes to mine, "It's dark outside today." 

Me thinks I doth detect a pattern. They are clearly focusing on improving bedside manner with this class of physicians. It's almost as if he is running down a personality checklist. 

 - Invite patient to use your first name.

 - Maintain relentless eye contact. 

 - Comment on the weather.

Ok, Dr. Congeniality.  I see your weather comment and raise you small talk!

Me: Yes, it's dark out.  It's very cloudy. It feels like it's gong to start raining any minute. 

Vic: Yeah, it's not going to rain today. The news said it won't.

Me: i feel like sometimes meteorologists need to go outside and look at the sky. I think it might. It feels like rain.

Vic:  Well, it's not supposed to rain today.  

This isn't a story about being right or wrong.  This is a story about capturing what's available to you and living it.  You can train your mind to know about clouds and pressure systems and  patterns.  Armed with that knowledge, you can stay dry, but you'll never know what the air taste like just as a rain sweeps in.  You can't know how the feel of soft rain can change your heart.  

The lesson is that the moderate step is in between. Knowledge is incomplete  without experience.  Likewise, knowledge  enhances experience.

Gratitude in Darkness

I walk the dog every morning. He's not what you'd call a 'late sleeper'.  He's up before 6 am every blessed day.  Rather than fight the power that be Bruno, I just decided to roll with it.  At first, it definitely sucked, but it was this getting up super early that paved the way for my daily early morning yoga practice and for that, I am grateful beyond words.

It's getting to be that time of year again when it's dark outside when we start walking. Like really dark.  About 20 years ago, I expereinced a traumatic incident that involved me walking alone.  Ever since, even when I know I am safe, I always feel a little uneasy walking by myself.  Bruno helps, but that unease is still there.  Although longing for brighter mornings, we set out for our walk everyday anyway, but it's much more comfortable when it's light out. This transitional time of year is very uncomfortable.

Given that my senses were heightened from the walk, yoga time is extra welcome to sooth the soul. When I get to the yoga room (aka, office/guest room/craft room with the furniture moved aside), I sit down to read my text for the day and stumble onto a message that fits me for this moment.  It's about how postures are never ending.  We flow from one posture to another, but the in-between part isn't really separate.  The space in-between, the transition, is part of the posture.

It get me thinking about the pose i love to hate. I have been in transition with chaturanga dandasana  for many many years.  It's not comfortable. It never feels right or good.  But we're developing the relationship.  I recently started putting my knees down but keeping a flat back to try to coax my shoulders into the sweet spot.  It feels like I've been in transition with this pose forever. On this particular morning, thinking about transitions, I am mid-flow from half-chaturanga dandasana , to urdhva mukha svasana,up dog, when I notice the sunrise.  So, I'm thinking about transitions metaphorically when a very real moment happens mid-transition.  

The sun is peeking its orangey yellow light up between the trees. It's breathtaking and I have never seen it from this room before. I immediately stopped what I was doing to grab my camera and try to capture it to share with you, but it wasn't coming through on camera.  Then I realized that this little gift was only visible by me mid posture change during this moment in time.  A moment that would not be possible if I were stuck in one place or in one season. If it were lighter earlier, I would have missed it.  If the chaturanga-up dog transition were faster, I may not have noticed it.  So, I put the camera down and got back to the perfect spot for that morning, right in the middle of the transitions. 

Anxious Mind

One commonly suggested treatment for anxiety is yoga.  I know this not from statistics, but as a patient.  It's interesting to me that yoga is often suggested as a cure by non practitioners. So what are doctors really prescribing?

Perhaps doctors are digging into research on yoga and it's effects. I'd venture a guess that when they prescribe yoga, lots of doctors are really prescribing breathing and stretching.  This is actually part of the formula for calming a panic attack. 

When a person feels panicked or anxious, the sympathetic side of your nervous system is hard at work. It's pumping adrenaline out to tell your body to run from danger.  The natural remedy to combat this is to stimulate the parasympathetic side of your nervous system to increase the release of norepinephrine to calm to body. One of the fastest ways to do that is long slow deep breaths. 

As an anxiety sufferer, I can appreciate the connection between calming anxiety and asana (physical yoga).  Steady breath is essential to asana and fighting anxiety.  It works in the super short term, in the moment.

Rather than focusing solely on the positive sort-term benefits of breathing and stretching, let's think about long-term benefits of the physical and spiritual practice.  The real relief from anxiety comes, not from the short term flood of norepinephrine, but from building a life of mindfulness.  

Presence in the moment is key to managing anxiety. Presence in the moment is mindfulness.  In his book, Meditations From the Mat, Rolf Gates said, "We are not meant to be on the edge of our seats, anxiously paying attention so we can control outcomes and events. We are meant to stand firmly in the postures of our lives, bearing witness to the moment, to our experience of the moment, aware as we do..."  The challenge of being mindful is to just be and let it happen.  Whatever it is.  Understanding that we have no control over it. 

To a certain extent, we have a similar challenge in asana practice.  Once you are familiar with the poses and language of yoga instruction, you have another opportunity to practice mindfulness in a slightly different way.  Even during a practice where effort is involved, you must also keep your focus on being aware of your body and being present with it. We learn to find the posture, observe and lean without trying to push too hard. We learn not to force, but to spend energy in the way that's needed at that moment.

The real anti-anxiety benefit of yoga is learning how to take these anxiety diminishing practice off the mat.  To marry the breath with the movement in our daily lives and to learn how to observe and be without undue effort.

Road kill Pose

Never heard of it?  Road kill pose is an ancient one, indeed.  It starts out looking like any other pose; graceful and energetic. Then something happens or changes or shift and the next thing you know, you find yourself in Road Kill Pose or perhps its near cousin, Face Plant Pose. 

All joking aside, these are two of my favorite poses.  Seriously.  Sometimes they hurt a little, but in my experience they are usually just surprising.  As a brand new yogi, I never fell.  This isn't because I was a natural at balance or was paricularly strong, but because I played it very safe. I kept my toes behind the metaphorical yellow line and stayed sturdy.  This was perfect at the time.  

Then one day, a couple of years into practice, I fell in padahastasa (feet on hands pose).  This was a pose that was easily accessible to me.   I was really trying to find length and ground down simultaneously. I lifted my hips higher and higher, tilting ever more weight into the balls of my feet and my palms.  It felt amazing!...push it further....BOOM!  Right over my shoulder!

The teacher jogged over to see if I was ok.  Honestly, I was more than ok.  I was great!  That letting go and the fall the came with it was the most liberating feeling.  I had been holding back for so long because I was afraid to fall or look foolish.  As it turns out, it didn't hurt and it was fun!

Since starting teacher training, practice has gotten a little boring. It's hard to turn off the internal commentary and over analysis.  I feel my body integrating the education, but it's happens at a glacial pace. One day last week, I was plodding through a class. Engaging my body.  Moving. Breathing. Flowing. In utthita trikonasana, triangle pose, my legs were strong, energy through my feet and hands, gazing up and feeling good. Then I leaned back into my shoulders, but forgot my bottom hand wasn't grounded...BOOM!  I fell.  It was just as amazing and freeing.

Falling isn't the goal, but to my way of thinking, releasing is.  It's safe to say that all this training is working!

Saddle baggage

My yoga teachers tell me that the hips are the seat of emotion. The junk drawer for your body to store all sorts of feeling. By engaging the hips, we unlock the junk drawer and sometimes stuff comes flying out.

This is precisely the kind of magical mumbo-jumbo that fed my little cynical heart for years. "Emotions don't live anywhere.  They are not tangible things like pasta or tennis balls." Yeah, that sounds like something I would have said.  As it turns out, I was dead wrong.

This is one of the coolest aspects of engaging in a spiritual practice.  It continually surprises me in ways that I thought were unmovable. I can keep tell myself repeatedly that yoga is about movement and steadying my over active nervous system.  But, when I feel like crying or spontaneously laughing during a hip opening class, it's really hard to pretend it's not happening. 

This week I did the Wednesday night double-header at my favorite studio. 1.5 hours of yin (passive, deep tissue) followed by 1.5 hours of vinyasa (active, large muscle groups). Both of the classes focused intensely on the hips.  As one would expect, my hips, thighs and bum are tired and a bit sore afterwards. The surprise is that I  feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  I feel totally wrung out emotionally.

I felt anxious, confident, nostalgic, jealous, joyful, sad and relaxed. Maybe these are feelings that would have come up during another 3 hour period in a day. Maybe yoga just helps you tune in to those feelings. Or maybe, just maybe, it helps to unlock the emotional junk drawer and clean it out. 

All About That Bass

Driving in the car with my family,  a really funky song came on the radio. 

Here are some excerpted lyrics:

I see the magazines

 workin' that Photoshop

We know that shit ain't real

C'mon now, make it stop

If you got beauty beauty, 

just raise 'em up

Cause every inch of you is perfect

From the bottom to the top

Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size

She says boys like a little more booty to hold at night

You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll

So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

The song has a really catchy pop melody.  You can check out the video here:

http://youtu.be/7PCkvCPvDXk

When it first came on, the whole car started bouncing. Me, My Love, Big Sis and her two kids 9 & 11. Once we got into the lyrics...yikes! My Love and I shoot looks at each other, then a quick glance to Big Sis.  Ok, so some of the lyrics are a little risqué, but some of them are fantastic.  Maybe 9 & 11 can learn something from this.

Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top. Wow.  How cool is that to hear?  Especially for 9, who is a growing up girl.  She's strong and athletic    and all-around awesome.  I love this message for her. Yes, there's still some aspect of the message that's about being ok because boys will like you, but I think the good outweighs the bad. 

This song has been pumping through my heads for days. I'm kinda all about it right now. 

Savasana assist.

With a visiting Nettie sleeping in my designated yoga space, I was relegated to the living room.  

This is why I like practicing behind a door.

And this,

I call this pose Savasana with Kitty Assist.

Queen

Queen is awesome.  Adam Lambert has a serious voice.  His performance won me over and earned my respect.

This fat bottomed girl loved it!

Footsie

Bruno's playing footsie.

Fat Lady in a Little Shirt

I went to a clothing swap.  This was a first for me.  The premise is pretty simple; show up with some clothes that you're done wearing and maybe you leave with some new treasures. It's like the grown up version of raiding your sister's (or in my case sisters') closet(s) and getting to keep whatever you find.

This has never been something that really appealed to me because I'm a bigger lady.  Trying on clothes has been such a traumatic experience over the years that the concept of doing this with others watching scared the bejeezus out of me.  What if I show up big hearted and too big bellied to leave with anything?  Then EVERYONE will know that I'm fat and I'll feel ashamed. Screw. That. Noise.

There were extenuating circumstances this time. Over the last couple of months, I've been super fortunate to get to know a group of people who are, hands down, the most loving supportive humans on the planet. One of these lovely ladies was hosting a clothing swap to celebrate her birthday. Nurturing that relationship and celebrating her birthday sounded amazing.  Humiliating myself in public?...Not so much.  But, I trust these friends.  I trust them with my heart and know that they would not suggest something that would bring me pain or shame.  Besides, these are some seriously body-positive people. So, I figure what the hell. You only live once, this time around, right?

The day before the swap, I spent  time digging through my closets.  It started out slowly, with only a silver dress that's a decade old.  Then, I got on a roll and ended up with a respectable pile of contributions. Some cute shirts, a skirt, a couple of adds and ends, and a tshirt that deserves a good radical feminist back to carry it.  Once everything was laundered, I packed it up into a brown paper bag, added a dozen cookies for good measure and set out for an adventure.

When I arrived, the party was already in full swing.  A handful of ladies half-dressed, trying on clothes.  Some people were talking, drinking mimosas and enjoying the environment, while others squealed with delight over new finds.  Greeted by the warmest, kindest souls, my discomfort dissipated significantly just by being there. Kindred spirits, indeed.  If only we had kindred dress sizes.  sigh...

I found a great spot to hang out and visit with some of the other guests.  It was really fun watching people get SO EXCITED to try on someone else's hand-me-downs.  The center of the room became of veritable catwalk of goodness. I plopped myself in the floor and watched the show.

The environment and conversations were great, but I still felt too timid to look through the clothes.  One of the things that comes with a lifetime of fatness is an understanding that our bodies don't fit because we're lazy/greedy/glutinous and as punishment, we don't deserve (fill in the blank love/nice things/kindness).  Can't have your cake, eat it too and expect to have cute clothes.  Years of this brain training makes feeling unworthy a major hurdle to so many social situations.  Even as a well-adjusted healthy adult, these thoughts still creep in. 

After a while the crowd thinned out a little. Some people hit the balcony for coffin nails, while others hit the kitchen for mimosa refills and cookies.  It was time to suck it up and try to participate.  I had been secretly eyeing a houndstooth checked shirt. It was a little buried, but it looked cute and stretchy.  I flipped trough the shirts on top.  S, S, M, XS... Shit.  The houndstooth shirt is a M. But it looks really stretchy.  I decide to slide it on over my outfit. It's definitely super tight, but not sausage casing tight and it feels oddly delicious.  I check it out in the full-length mirror hanging on the balcony door. I think it might be awesome.  It's  SO not something I would normally choose, but it's got a really neat quality to it.

Emboldened by the find, I try it on without the safety of another shirt on under it.  It looks and feels even better.  I modeled for the woman who brought the shirt.  She gets really excited about it and then tells me how awesome it looks on someone with such a vastly different body type. At one point, she specifically addressed the way my fat looks in her shirt.  

There was a time in my life, when someone noticing my belly fat, let alone commenting on it, would have transformed me into a blubbering pile of tears and self-loathing. I suppose it's that contrast that heightened this experience.  There was no sadness or shame.  Rather, her comments felt like the pure validation. See, I've always thought I was pretty and valuable and worth seeing.  She  called me fat and pretty in the same breath.  I have rarely in my life ever felt so seen.

(Non)Judgement/(Non)Violence

Judgement. They are so... I am so...  

One of the yogic principles that I find particularly challenging is that of non judgement.  The word used to describe this principle is ahimsa.  Ahimsa is also translated into nonviolence.  Non judgement and nonviolence.

So let's flip that principle for a second and think about the opposite.  If we use the same word to mean non judgement and nonviolence, do we effectively use the same principle to equate judgement and violence?  That feels really powerful to me.  Thinking about acts of judgement as acts of violence gives weight to the reality of what we do when we judge.

As the old adage goes, "we are our own worst critics."  By judging our thoughts, emotions and, often most harshly, our physical selves, we are effectively committing acts of violence against ourselves.  

 

In asana practice, the physical expression of yoga, we strive towards a posture.  This means we strive towards aligning our flesh and bones into proper alignment.   Proper is not to be confused with "prettiest" or "more graceful than".  Proper means proper for me.  I find myself practicing with a running monologue of "if only I could reach my hands further," or, "if I could get rid of this belly, I would get my head closer to my knee., " "if I push harder, this will look and feel better."  At the end of the day, it's all just an endless stream of self directed violence. Wishing my body would do or be something it won't is just another way of telling myself that I am not good enough. By fighting against the way my body is, I am beating myself up for being me. Wrapped up in the "if I could only" statements is inherent guilt and shame for not being something else. 

In class last night, the always insightful Corina Benner said "Yoga is as much about proportions as it is  about strength and endurance."  It was a huge ah-ha moment. What if my postures look and feel the way they do because of my proportions, not because my effort isn't good enough?  I have strength and constantly expanding endurance. Cataloguing inabilities devalues abilities.  My abilities are great and I learn more from this practice constantly.

I will continue to practice non judgement and nonviolence outwardly for others and inwardly for myself.

Namaste.
 

30 Days of Yoga: How it worked for me

A few people have asked about the nuts and bolts of how the 30 days of yoga process worked for me.  I share this in the spirit of community and offer my perspective.  I am NOT a yoga instructor and I don't pretend to be.  If yoga is new to you, please check out your local studio or connect with a certified teacher.  Their wisdom, especially in regards to safety and alignment, is invaluable!

"No day like today."--Jonathan Larson

For me, starting was the easy part.  This yoga journey started as problem solving. How do I fit more yoga into one very busy week? I live far away from the studio where I like to practice and I haven't found a class I like near me.  Going to class became super time consuming. And, honestly, too expensive for my budget.

So, I rolled out a mat, set a timer for 30 minutes, sat down and began with "Om".  The first time, I had no real plan.  It flowed better than I thought it would, but I learned a lot as I went on.  Most vinyasa classes that I've been to over the last 6 years have about the same structure, so I mimicked that very familiar pattern.

Reading
Opening Chant
Opening warm-up/stretch
Sun Salutations
Warrior series
Balance/Back-bending/Inversions
Seated postures
Savasana
Closing Chant

The classes I go to at studios are typically 90 minutes.  Throughout this 30 day process, I went to the studio about once a week.   At home, my goal was to find 30 minutes, but I would extend that whenever possible. 

In such a short practice, rather than picking a couple of pieces, I did at least one pose in each category and held them for at least 3 breaths.  This made the practice flow nicely and allowed for much customization.  30 minutes goes by quickly, but it's amazing how much more quickly you can move with intention when you aren't in a class and stopping for instruction. 

A typical practice would look like the following:

Reading- A reading from books with daily offerings. Short and to the point. Setting an intention that had something to do with theme of the reading.  Spend about a minute thinking about body parts or poses that might need attention.
Opening Chant- Om 3 times
Opening warm-up/stretch -  Gentle twists and a few rounds of cat/cow
Sun Salutations - At least 3 surya namaskara A followed by 3 surya namaskara B
Warrior series- Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Radiant Warrior, Extended Triangle, Wide-legged forward fold.
Balance/Back-Bending/Inversions- This one had the most variety and changed based on what I was working on that day.  But, I'd always pick something.  Maybe Bridge and Wheel, or Sleeping Pigeon, or Eagle.
Seated postures- Seated forward fold(s), a spinal twist
Savasana - Always. Always. Always.
Chant - Om once, sometimes followed by 3 Shanti's.

Again, this is what works for me.  I hope you find something that works for you to inspire your own practice!

Namaste.

30 Days of Yoga

30 days of yoga has come and gone.  When I started, I was sure that there would be a countdown.  Like one if those big easel pads of paper where you tear off the 25 to reveal the 24 underneath.  Maybe a desire to celebrate "10 more to go!"   But that's not what happened. Time flew by. 

Making time for this practice meant finding time in an already busy schedule.  For me, it meant waking up earlier.  I thought for sure that it would get really tiresome. But, it didn't. I very quickly established a new routine. 5:45 wake up. Walk the dog. Make lunches. Escape to my own personal yoga retreat.  Start the day smiling.

 There were days and times that were challenging. Days when I skipped the morning and found time in the evening.  There was the Saturday that I was so busy, I forgot altogether until 10pm after eating pizza. In contrast, there were other days when I forgot that I had already practiced in the morning and found myself inadvertently gearing up for round 2.

As the 30 days drew to a close, I began to feel a sense if impending loss.  A rise in anxiety, as if something precious was ending. This was a sweet time of reflection and growth, but I've come to understand that the end was really the beginning of something else.

One of the principles we explore when we practice yoga is renunciation.  During this 30 day growth spurt, I renounced the idea that yoga is merely a hobby for me. I renounced the idea that I practice solely for physical benefit. And, I renounced the notion that I don't have time to dive into this practice more fully.

All of that renunciation made room for the beautiful routines that have become my everyday.

Namaste.

Day 25/30 - Show up.

Sometimes it's that simple.

Show up. Show up. Just keep showing up.

Open your mind. Open your heart. Keep showing up. 

Make a list. Tell a friend. Say a prayer. Just keep showing the fuck up.

Then stop. Listen. Hear it. Feel it. And, go back for more. 

Day 11/30 - But...

Time for practice. But...I don't wanna. This pillow is way too comfy.

Day 11 is the first day this month that I really didn't want to practice. But...I did. 

Day 9/30 Control

It's been 8 days of consistent home practice.  8 days of early rising.  8 days of self-discipline. And on the 9th day, I rested.

Today, I relinquished control into the hands of a trusted teacher in a studio I love. On Wednesdays, sometimes I treat myself to a mid-week mini yoga retreat.  An hour and a half of Yin (passive) yoga, followed by an hour and a half of Vinyasa (flowing yoga).  It's blissful and indulgent and awesome.

Finding a yoga teacher with whom you connect is not always easy. Even with well trained, experienced teachers, sometimes it just doesn't work.  It's like a bad first date. You know it's not going to work in the first few minutes, but you're kinda stuck until it's over.

Finding a teacher you like isn't about finding something easy.  It's about finding a place where you connect with the teacher's cues and understand the message. It's a place where you find that perfect combination of feeling safe and inspired enough to push yourself and play your edges.

8 days into this 30 day yoga journey, I have learned unbelievable lessons through introspection.  Today, more than ever, I learned to appreciate the gift of relinquishing control.

Namaste.

Day 6/30 Le Petite Practice

I am lucky to have been blessed with really really good girl-friends.  These girls play hopscotch over the lines that divide friends from family.  They are members of an elite force known as Sister Friends.

They are the first to arrive and the last to leave. When things get hard, they show up harder.  When things are great, they celebrate most openly and share all your successes. 

This weekend, I had the great good fortune to spend about 24 hours with one such Sister Friend. She treated me to a play for my birthday.  We ate some meals, played with her kids and then stayed up way too late sharing a bottle of wine, gabbing like teenagers.

She's a fellow yogi and we've always talked about practicing together. When  we're together, we never have time to go to a studio.  So, this time we did yoga where and when we had the time.  The where turned out to be the kitchen floor. The when was the last 25 minutes we had before l had to leave.  

One of the other impediments to yoga at home is , understandably, what does one do with the kids?  Her 6 year old son contentedly played Legos.  And her 4 year old daughter grabbed a mat and joined us!  We didn't modify the practice. We just gave her simple cues and she followed along.  It was so sweet and perfect.  She sat her petite self down and did her best.

She added a sweetness to the practice that couldn't have happened any other way. <3

Day 4/30 - Perfection

This morning, I started out thinking about perfection.  A read a little about finding the perfection of a moment, not the result.  Relishing in and learning from the moment, rather than just celebrating the victory is is a concept that's important in many areas of our lives.  As an example, I bake Christmas cookies with my sisters every year.  We talk about it for weeks and it turns into an ordeal every year. I don't even like some of the cookies we make.  Baking cookies is kind of pricey and time consuming, as well.  We do it every year because the value of the project comes from the process. We get something important from the process of talking about it, sharing recipes and passing traditions down to the next generation. If we didn't end up with a great product at the end, we'd still do it. This morning, I connected more deeply with the idea of learning from the journey by experiencing it.

Dhanurasana or bow pose is something that is usually pretty accessible for folks.  At least from my observations in various classes, it appears to be pretty accessible.  I've been practicing yoga for 6 years and I still can't do it. I can grab one leg or the other, but not both.  Over the years, I've learned to either grab my pant legs or sometimes a kind teacher will wrap a strap around my ankles.

My shoulders are excessively tight and I've always believed that this was why I can't fully express the pose. So I quickly grapple with my pant legs and get as close as I can. Then I usually suffer through the last remaining breath of the pose and wait for it to end.

This morning, I decided to try it out. I tried grabbing both legs, but didn't manage it.  Then I decided to try one leg and then the other and took the time to really stretch through each side.  By listening to my body and really feeling the pose, I learned that the problem might not be entirely in my shoulders.  When I stretched through one side, my biceps hurt...badly.  This gives me a totally new perspective to work through.

The end result hasn't changed at all.  I still can't do Dhanurasana.  But my perspective on the pose has changed dramatically.  Exploring this pose without regard to falling behind in class or feeling foolish for not being able to do it has afforded me the perspective to be open to what might actually be going on.  Yoga isn't about bending into the perfect pose.  Today it was about being open to the moment and realizing how perfect it was just because it happened.

Namaste.

Day 3/30 Savasana already?

Three days into this 30 day challenge and I feel excited.  Poor Bruno was rushed through his morning walk because I was anxious to hit my mat.

I am out of bed by 5:45.  After walking and feeding Bruno, it's 6:30 by the time I am settled on my mat for the first OM.

Practice was smooth and invigorating. I had set a goal of finding time for some back bending today.  My timer went off just after my warrior series.  Oops!

Always ending practice with Savasana or Corpse/final resting pose is really important for the nervous system.  So, I added a few minutes for that, but it still didn't feel like enough.

Tomorrow, I either need to get up earlier (ugh) or streamline differently.  We'll see what happens in the morning. 

Namaste.

Day 2/30

Day 2/30

Feeling momentum on this path. Jogged about half of the Bruno walk. 

Made the mistake of stopping to take care if the cats before practice.  By the time I hit my mat, all I wanted to do was yin.  

Yin practice was ok today, but rushed.  One thing I learned today, you can't rush yin.  

Yoga every day

After a long indulgent birthday weekend in New York City, my body is ready for some Spring Cleaning.  While walking Bruno yesterday, I broke into a jog just because it felt good.

We were up extra early because Bruno hates me.  The bonus was that I had lots of time before my regular morning routine.  So, I grabbed my yoga mat and set up shop in the office/craft room/that sounds like a good spot for X room.

I set a time for 30 minutes and let it flow. Sometimes I forget that I've been practicing yoga for so long.  It's been 6 years.  Yoga class is inspiring and motivational.  It's like a brand of continuing education. Yoga practice is about showing up.  

For the next 30 days, I promise myself that I will show up everyday to practice. 

Day 1/30 was surprisingly refreshing and really really hot.  Nothing like a good sweat to start a day!

Namaste.

Emotional Eating

AmazeBalls

Seriously, it's all in the name.  These tasty little protein snacks are truly amazing.

PB&J AmazeBalls

1 cup Oats

1/2 cup Flax seed meal

1/2 cup Peanut Butter

1/2 cup Cranberries

1 tbsp honey

Mix it all together.  Roll into two-bite balls. Refrigerate. Devour.

There are countless variations.  As a Type 2 diabetic, I chose natural peanut butter and low-sugar cranberries. The friend who exposed me to this deliciousness (thanks Shonda!) used chocolate chips instead of cranberries and 1/3 cup agave instead of honey. Much sweeter, but totally delightful.

Let your creativity run wild and dig in!

Happy St. Patrick's Day?

Happy St. Patrick's Day?

Dear Winter 2014,

You're drunk.

Go home.

Dragon Fighter

I fought a dragon this week. 

At first, I saw it coming. Trying not to anticipate the pain that would surely ensue was useless.  That's why you are trained to stay in the moment.  This moment, not in the next moment.  It's especially hard when you know the next moment is going to result in deep aching pain that lasts for days.  

Dear reader, this is Yin Yoga.

Dragon pose is a deep lunge. The front foot is firmly planted with your knee squared directly above your ankle.  Always keeping your knee at a 90 degree angle. The back leg is stretched long behind you with your knee and the top of your foot on the ground.  Hands are placed on the floor on either side of the front foot. 

The pose is held for 5 minutes on each side.  It is simultaneously brutal and beautiful. You hold and breathe and just when you think you can't take it anymore, you remember that you can make it better.  All you have to do to make the hurting stop is surrender control. It hurts because you are trying to control it.  

There is probably a beautiful explanation for the name of this pose, Dragon.  Probably something to do with a legend about a graceful beast flying off in noble pursuit of something mystical and grand. If I wrote the book, it would be about that intense burning sensation that you carry with you for days after you slay a fire breathing beast.

(Full disclosure: there is also a pose we do a lot in Yin called Rajakapotasana or Sleeping Pigeon.  Don't let the name fool you.  That pigeon is a nastily little beast.)

Oscar Wrap-Up

Another Oscar night is behind us.  A perfect Oscar night in my opinion.  The stars shined brightly.  Ellen is becoming my favorite Oscar host.

All my favorites won.

Jared Leto's acceptance speech was out

of this world.  He has been my boyfriend since I was 14 and he was Jordan Catalano on the most underrated tv show of all time, My So Called Life. He didn't mention me in his acceptance speech because he focused on his mom.  We talked about it before.  I was totally cool with it.

Lupita Nyong'o could not have been more delightful. Her shout out to the little girls of the world brought big tears. "When I look down at this golden statue, may it remind me and every little child that no matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid. "

But I was the real winner.  I got to eat this.

It's made with cauliflower, but it tastes like garlic bread.  Bless my soul, this was divine.

Cauliflower Cheese Bread

1 head of cauliflower

2 cups shredded mozzarella 

1 egg, slightly beaten

2 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1. Chop the cauliflower florets very finely, omitting the very hard stem. (The food processor worked like a dream.)

2. Submerge chopped cauliflower in 1inch of water and boil in a medium saucepan for 5 minutes.

3. While the cauliflower is cooking, in a large bowl, mix 1 cup of the cheese with all of the rest of the ingredients. Set aside.

4.  When the cauliflower has cooked, drain in in a mesh strainer. When you think it's really dry, dump it on a clean dish towel.  Then wring it out to see just how wrong you were.

5. Stir the newly dried cauliflower into the cheese mixture. 

6. Spread the mixture in a thin layer onto a nonstick baking surface.  I used a Silpat, which worked like a dream.  If you don't have one, I bet greased parchment would do well.

7. Pop it into a 400 degree oven for 30 minutes.

8. Sprinkle with remaining cup of mozzarella and bake for another 10 minutes or until bubbly and brown.

Serve with marinara for dipping.

*All seasoning measurements should say ish. Season to taste.

Deaf

Bruno loves the dog park.  We go every opportunity we can.

It's a gorgeous open space and he gets to run like crazy. He's a handsome dog and he looks positively majestic when he gets up to full speed.

Like David Bowie, Bruno had bi-colored eyes.

It's always the first thing people notice.  Most people think it's neat. Some people think it's creepy. But today, I got one I had never heard before.  

"Oh he has two different color eyes!  Is he deaf?"

I... I... I have no words.

Floodgate

It was a Tuesday.  

Minding my own business,

when the floodgate opened. 

Making pork chops,

phone call with my sister.

"Mom used to make that."

She did,

except when she didn't.

I did it then.

She was sick.

I was eight.

I had forgotten all about it.

I learned laundry that year, too.

Life's lessons coated in Shake 'n' Bake.

Scmake.

Cake is awesome.

This one is made out of a sweet fluffy cake.  

And stuffed with macerated strawberries sweetened with orange zest, the juice of half of an orange and a teeny tiny bit of sugar. 

Then the whole thing is covered in fresh homemade whipped cream.  The sweet, but not too sweet kind.

After it's "iced" it is covered with a doily before being sprinkled with red sugar.

Cute and delicious.  

Perfect for enjoying next to the fire with this guy.

Google rocks.

 "The practice of sport is a human right. Every individual must have the possibility of practicing sport, without discrimination of any kind and in the Olympic spirit, which requires mutual understanding with a spirit of friendship, solidarity and fair play." –Olympic Charter

 Google's not so subtle message to the International Olympic Committee warmed my heart. It is impossible for many of us to participate in the excitement of these Olympic games because of the social implications of supporting a country that openly condones and encourages the violation of the basic human rights of its own citizens. 

Gay people, lesbian people, bi-sexual people, Trans* people are a part of every culture; whether ignored or celebrated. 

I love that I live in a country where there is room for all of us.  It's a place where our government and businesses are bad-ass enough to take a mature international stand on behalf of our people. 

God bless America and Google.

Hat

This hat should be a verb.

Captive

About 3 months ago, our cats moved into our basement.  This would be weird, but their relocation coincided with the exact moment we brought home. 9 month old, 70lb mutt named Bruno.

It's horrible.  My sweet super social cats have been relegated to sleeping on piles of laundry. One of the cats, Annie, is a bit brave.  She hangs out at the top

Of the basement stairs and hisses at the puppy when he tries to eat her head.

But our poor Lula cat is way too timid.

My love went to bed and I decided to hang out in the quiet for a few before heading up to bed.  About 10 minutes passed and I thought I heard something. After a sharp intake of breath and a little adrenaline rush, I realizes it was Lula.

She is sitting on my lap for the dirt time in 3 months.  I'm so sleepy, but I don't have the heart to move her.   Sigh...

Please forgive grammatical errors, I am too tires to proof!

Grace

Grace.  Fluidity. Effortless.

Grace. Without obstacle.

Grace. Selfless kindness.

Grace. Peaceful communication.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of grace. Using the visual of grace in the physical, we can connect to a better understanding of grace in practice.

Think of a ballet dancer.  A female form dressed in a flowing skirt.  As her strong legs lift her body, she is airborne and her skirt gently floats around her. 

The movement appears effortless. As if gravity is no obstacle. As if she has removed herself from struggle. The gentle smile on her face tells is that she is at peace.

I strive to be like that dancer.  Showing the world grace by removing obstacles and communicating peace.  Never forgetting that exhibiting grace requires the discipline of a trained dancer.  Grace is not inaction, rather it is compassion in action. 

Be kind.

That's it. Just be kind.

At least once a day, intentionally trying to do something kind. 

I've been practice this for the last week or so. Some great stories are brewing already.  

Happy 2014.