Knock on Woody Allen.

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." ~Woody Allen

"I am thankful for laughter, except when it is gurgling out of the hyenna sitting next to me at a Woody Allen movie." ~ Me

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times...Sorry. Wrong story.
Ah, yes, the beginning of THIS story goes like this...

I love movies. Good movies. Bad movies. Happy movies. Sad movies. Pauli Shore movies, (Son-In-Law was funny and you know it.) My favorites are gangster movies, heist movies, and movies with good dialogue.

Woody Allen is kind of in a class by himself when it comes to movie making. He's got a way with dialogue and honest absurdity. He catches me off guard and makes me laugh more often than not.

I was thrilled to see his most recent movie come out. Perfect thing to do with a visiting guest whom I like very well, but don't know how to talk to. Let's face it, I'm charming for a bit, a couple of hours tops, but he was coming for D.A.Y.S. Woody Allen is a great way to pass some time. Then, we'll have a commmon topic of conversation for at least a half an hour afterwards. Perfect.
We head out to a local artsy theater, which is usually pretty quiet and chill. But, it's Saturday night and it's just the kind of place where nerds like me go for the opening of the new Woody Allen film. The place is packed. Long line for tickets. Longer line for popcorn. The line at the ladies room is ridiculous. By the time we make it into the theater, the previews have already begun. We trip our way through the dark, over a row full of people and wedge ourselves into the last chairs in the corner of the back row. It's a relatively small theater, so there is no such thing as a bad view, but it's a little too cozy for comfort.

I size up the woman to my left, whom I will inevitably fight for armrest control. She's in her early 50s. Well put together outfit of a well pressed khaki skirt, red blouse and an elegant string of pearls. Hair is a brown bob, which compliments her wire rimmed glasses and the cardigan she has painstakingly arranged over her thin shoulders. She looks like her name might be Lorna. When our eyes meet, she submissively folds her arms over her chest and smiles awkwardly. Confident with the knowledge that no one named Lorna can assert control of an armrest, I smile back wrly.

People are settled. Cell phones and pagers are off. It's now time for our feature presentation. The movie starts and pretty much right off, the main character breaks the 4th wall. (Tricky Woody Allen). Most everyone in the audience gasps a little and giggles as Larry David addresses us directly. I say "most everyone" because Lorna doesn't gasp and giggle...she does something else entirely. At first, I thought she was having a very private moment very loudly in the middle of a movie theater, (a la Meg Ryan in 'When Harry Met Sally') but then I realize that's just how Lorna laughs.

The laugh can most succinctly be described as frantic panting followed by a series of inordinantly loud guffaws with a few wind down sighs at the end.

It begins with a period of extra breathy hyperventilation "heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh."

Then burts into, "CAW! CAW! CAWH! CAW! CAW!."

Rounded out with, "eih. eih. eih."

After the first round, I did what I like to call, "Stop, Drop and Roll."
STOP whatever I was doing.
DROP my jaw wide open.
ROLL my eyes up into my head.

Every joke. Every mother-loving joke, she goes through this process! It's apparently an uproariously funny movie. I should note, I don't personally know if it was funny because I didn't hear a single punchline. Here's what the movie sounded like to me:

"So a rabbi and a pilot walk..heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh"

"The pilot says...CAW! CAW! CAWH! CAW! CAW!"

"And the Rabbi says, that's becuase Rosebud is a ...eih. eih. eih."

At first it was annoying. Then it was maddening. Eventually, it was just plain old comical. Adding to this scene was the fact that the man in the yellow shirt sitting next to her had an almost equally annoying laugh. Quite a pair. :)

So, the movie's over. While I missed 30% of the dialogue, I decide that it was a good film and I liked it quite well. It's about love and serendipity and the wacky ways in which people come together. I smiled while I was watching it, so that works for me.

The movie ends and it's time to go. The credits roll and we sit and watch. The theater is emptying. Yet, Lorna and the man in the yellow shirt are still sitting and talking as if they think there might be an encore. I'm thinking, "Alright kids. Let's get a move on. I'm burning through all my material before we even leave the theater." But, unless I want to jump over them, my only reasonable option is to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Man in the Yellow Shirt (YS): No, I'm not actually from around here.

Lorna: No? How long are you in town?

YS: Actually just for the night. I'm taking a little train tour of the east coast. Thought I'd see a movie. You?

Lorna: Um, no I don't live in Philadelphia, either. I live in Wilmington. I really like Woody Allen and it wasn't playing anywhere by me. So, I came into town just to see the movie.

YS: How about that?

They get up. Quietly exit the theater.together to walk down a bustly city street and into the steamy night. (Fade to black)

Woody Allen couldn't have written it better himself.