I like it when people say funny things when they aren't trying to be funny. Kids are super great for that. When kids do it, it’s endearing and sweet. When adults do it, it’s something else entirely. Here’s a highlight reel of some recent favorites. One endearing and sweet. The others are something else entirely.
Exhibit A - Sweet Baby
Sweet Baby is a former student in my friend’s preschool class. The class was working on identifying words that began with S and made the sound /s/ . These are some really smart kids and they were doing a FABULOUS job.
“/s/ /s/ /s/ Snake!”, exclaimed Darling Child
“/s/ /s/ /s/ Silly!”, shouted Hot-to-Trot
“/s/ /s/ s/ Sally!”, cried Super Smarty Pants
One of the smallest, sweetest, sweetnesses that ever breathed, shoots her hand into the air. She’s so sure of herself and so excited she can barely keep her little bottom on the carpet. With her hand flapping wildly over her head, begging to be called on, she yells:
“/p/ /p/ /p/ Yo-Yo!”
Exhibit W - Skeletor
A good friend recently lost a lot of weight. She’s always been gorgeous, but she’s a different kind of gorgeous now. Less fluffy and more angular. I jokingly call her Skeletor, which makes her giggle.
Overtime, she’s slowly reduced the amount of food she takes in. She’ll eat half of what she used to eat in a sitting and proclaim herself, ‘stuffed!” We spend a lot of time together and , athough I’ve trimmed down quite a bit over the last year or so, I have NEVER forgotten a meal. Missed them? Yes. Mourned their passing? Sure. Skipped them? Puh-lease!
So, one morning Skeletor and I are discussing our plans and I suggest we go out for breakfast.
She looks at me with a mix of shock and confusion and says, “We ate breakfast yesterday. I just didn’t think you wanted to eat breakfast 2 days in a row.”
Exhibit E - ESC Key
At a local street festival, checking out some artists' booths. Some lovely pottery. Handmade T-shirts. Ooh, is that jewelry made out of vintage typewriter keys? Really cute stuff. The individual letters are great. How cool?! He even did some of the other keys. You can get a ring that says “SHIFT” or “TAB”.
A young woman walks up, clearly impressed. She’s pouring over the TYPEWRITER keys and says, “Oh, sweet! Where’s the ESC key? If he’s got an ESC key, I totally want it.”
It’s been weeks and I still can’t get the picture out of my mind. What if a typewriter really did have an ESC key? Let’s say, you’re typing away and decide it’s all rubbish. You just hit the ESC key and the paper flies out, crumples itself up, and flies into the trash. It’s ingenious.
Exibit S - Neither funny, nor creative
A couple of months ago, a married man was hitting on me and actually said this:
“Some people pop pills. I cheat. “
Excuse me for a moment while I rinse the bile taste out of my mouth…To top it off, he stole it from Grey’s Anatomy. Lame.
Exhibit O - Back of the line, Bucko.
7:45pm in the Will Call line for an 8pm showing of Pirates of Penzance. (By the way, the show was funnier than I thought it would be. Oh, and it solidified the fact that I‘d like to date a Pirate King. Alas, I digress.) Long line. Short on time.
The line literally runs the entire width of the theater. Ugh. Wait. Shuffle forward 6 inches. Wait. Shuffle forward 6 inches. Wait. Shuffle forward 6 inches. Wait some more…you get the idea.
7:57pm, nearly next in line when a charming gentleman saunters passed the 50 or so people literally inching towards the promised land and proceeds directly to the box office. He did not Pass Go. He did not collect $200. He just walked his fancy ass right up to the window. He waits for “his turn” with the appearance of a calm, rational, reasonably intelligent human. When the patron at the window finishes her transaction, the brain surgeon…er…ahem…seemingly calm, rational, reasonably intelligent human walks straight up to the window to collect his tickets. The teller looks a little confused and gestures towards the lobby saying, “Sir, the line actually starts back there.” Absolutely astounded , mouth agape, eyes like saucers, he says “You want me to go to the end of the line?!”
I can't for the life of me imagine what lines look like in his neck of the woods, but I bet it's fun.
**This post was brought to you by the letters M and E.**
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