cha⋅la⋅zi⋅on

Chalazion: A small circumscribed tumor of the eyelid caused by retention of secretion, and by inflammation of the Melbomian glands. From the Greek Khalazion meaning hard lump, hailstone.
**Fair warning: Parts of this are a little gross.**

About two months ago, I was driving to DC to witness the dawn of a new era in our great democracy. Merrily singing some happy tune, I absentmindedly scratched my eyelid…ow. I think to myself, “That’s weird, I don’t remember putting a bb pellet in my eyelid.” And my chalazion was born. Her name was Charlize.

A chalazion is just a disgusting little abnormality of the eyelid that you can sometimes convince to go away with a series of warm compresses. Sometimes, you have to get tough with it and use surgical instruments. In my case, after a month of warm compresses 4 times a day, Charlize and I had to have a little talk. I give you exhibit A.

So, I had the surgery to remove it the other day. The process is simple. You go in, sign your life away, and lay down in a very awesome chair. Then the doctor comes in, puts some drops in your eye and gives you a series of shots in your eyelid. Once you are certain you no longer have an eyelid, they tell you it’s numb…they are wrong, but refuse to admit it. When you shriek they say, “Oh, yeah well that corner is really tough to get numb.” (Was I wrong to request that she try harder?) Then the Inquisitor...ahem... doctor says, “You’re going to feel an awful lot of pressure now. We’re going to flip your eyelid.”

That’s probably more than enough details. It gets worse and way grosser. The procedure itself was, in a word, horrifying.

So the whole thing is over and they ask who is downstairs to drive me home. When I tell them I only live 3 blocks away and will be walking, the kind nurse looks alarmed and tries unsuccessfully hide her fear. Then she says, “Well, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I just hope no one tries to take advantage of you. You know, because you’re compromised.” Now, I haven’t seen myself yet and I’m not entirely sure what she means. Sure I’m wearing an eye patch, which seems to involve a lot of tape, but it can’t be that bad…right?